Lessons 5-8: Courtesy of Facebook.

We’ve already discussed that there are inevitably lessons that one will learn after college.  And here’s something you’ll learn courtesy of our old pal, Facebook.

See, all those “friends’ you’ve been accumulating on Facebook since college will gradually show up on your newsfeed.  And every time they do, it won’t be to announce that they’re having a party or got extremely drunk the night before or even that they’re graduating from Grad school.  No.  It will be to announce one of three major milestones that the child in you cringes to hear.

5. Friends will begin to get engaged at an alarming rate.

6. Friends will begin getting married at an alarming rate.

7. Friends will start having babies at an alarming rate.

The problem with hearing these proclamations of joy and receiving invitations to events in which you will be required to purchase gifts and attend sometimes awkward gatherings to celebrate them is yet another fact: this means you are in fact growing up.  Boo.  Hiss.  Take back this declaration of encroaching adulthood.  Yeah.  Take it back now.


So, about life after college.

This is not an attack on anyone personally, nor am I suggesting that anyone actually lied to me.   All I’m saying is, there’s some stuff about life after college that ya’ll forgot to mention.  In fact, I’ve compiled a little list.  There should have been a class of a book or something.  Or, maybe these lessons seem much harsher since as a member of the “Boomerang Generation,” I and my contemporaries are pioneers in this brave new world of the 21st century American post-graduation lifestyle.  And with no pomp and circumstance, bells, whistles or warning lights were these lessons forced upon me.  Nah, they hit me like a bus and not all at once.  But behold.  Presenting…

Things they forgot to mention: the “Boomerang Generation’s” post college experience

2. You would gladly sell your kidney and half a liver any day of the week not to live with your parents again.  Yes, the no rent situation can be pretty sweet plus free cable and, occasionally, groceries.  Once in a while, they’ll even cook for you.  But there’s still that little nagging issue: you once again live with your fucking parents.  You may not have to get quarters for laundry but mommy breathing down your neck 24/7 is as certain as my Rottweiler being guilty of murdering disappearing away rabbits that wander into the yard.  I mean, in college, bootycalls could eat breakfast with your roommates and be out of the way before class…I mean if you’re into that.  But now, there is mom.  And siblings. And pets. And stepparents.  Do you really want to explain to your mother why this strange man was sleeping in your room and why he may or may not be the same guy from last week?  Nope, me neither.

3. Unemployment is not the exception.  It’s the rule.  Apparently everyone warned me that I might have trouble finding a job before I graduated.  I must’ve tuned them out every time someone brought it up because I sure didn’t think they mean I would be chronically unemployed.

4. A quarter-life crisis is sure to be upon you within 6 months of graduation.  The walls will start to close in and you’ll realize that the list you’ve so fastidiously constructed over the years will be ripped apart by fate, the universe, karma, the government and student loans.  The first job you get that although everyone around you swears is only temporary, feels far to permanent for you to feel comfortable with it.  A breakdown will be imminent.  Go ahead.  Break down, boo.  You’ve earned it.

Now, this is just the first three.  There’s a ton of information that someone should have told me.  ANYONE could have told me.  Experience may be the most ruthless teacher I may ever have and the only one I’d ever never question but all I’m asking for was a little bit of warning.  Just a little!  And fret, the rest of the list will be revealed incrementally.