When Hollywood asks me to suspend my disbelief for one hundred and twenty minutes in a dark movie theater, I say okay, fine. I’ll believe that Jennifer Love Hewitt and her band of annoying friends are being chased by a dude they killed a year ago or that Shia LeBeouf’s Corvette is a big menacing robot with even bigger friends. I’ll believe that Will Smith is a superhero with a drinking problem or that he can save the world from aliens. Sure, I’ll believe that. However, when you try to tell me that in a beauty contest, the mirror would choose Kristen Stewart over Charlize Theron, I call bull.
I have given a name to my pain. And it is Kristen Stewart. They have chosen one of the most wooden young women in current film to portray the eponymous heroine and quite frankly, it’s inexcusable. No matter how you look at it, in no parallel dimension could Stewart even remotely be considered a threat to Theron’s beauty. Of all the times for Hollywood’s powers that be to decide NOT to cast eye candy, why would they ignore the one story in which it actually made sense to do so? If the actress chosen was just not as pretty as Theron but was actually talented, I would relent. However, the casting director managed to find an actress with abysmal…I mean questionable abilities and literally two facial expressions (bored and slightly annoyed) with an occasional bonus: the blank stare. Since she’s naturally wooden and does not seem like a natural foil to Ms. Theron’s undoubtedly malicious portrayal of the vain, wicked queen, I have to wonder if she could single-handedly prevent this from being a good film.
It made no sense why she was the final choice when acting heavyweight Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth fresh off his “Thor” triumph had been cast in other high profile roles. Then like a nasty fart, it hit me right in the face: Twilight. Reason number 592 why that film franchise continues to ruin the world: It allows substandard actors/actresses to be hired in high profile roles which they have no business going near. Since this film would be competing with another Snow White film also set to release in 2012, there had to be a final clincher in the competition for the biggest audience possible. Enter Stephanie Meyers’ monster. The throngs of teens addicted to “Twilight” and likewise the actress portraying the lead character are likely to flock to this movie. She doesn’t have the sex appeal factor that Taylor Lautner and his abs have or that Robert Pattinson and his hair does but she’s still recognizable and familiar to these teenage hoards. It feels like a dirty trick to use Kristen Stewart for power over her built in audience than for her [lack of] talent.
The trailer makes this production look worthy of the blood money I’ve labored to produce working my dead end gig at Macy’s but we all know trailers can be misleading. But with the producers of “Alice in Wonderland” behind this film as well, it should at least be aesthetically appealing with interesting visuals and style. And check out the freaky mirror. That alone is a deft re imagining of a major “character” and is keenly frightening by itself. It even gave me the creeps. Maybe I’m giving Kristen Stewart too much credit in her ability to bring down an entire film with her perpetually glazed over stares or maybe I just haven’t seen her in the right films which truly showcase her talents…but I doubt it. Everybody cracked on her in “The Runaways” and they can’t be all wrong. Check out the trailer and let me know if one wooden actress is all takes to bring down a potentially entertaining film.