Youth of America, your lack of Halloween enthusiasm sickens me.

Youth of America.  We need to discuss something.  I understand that you’re used to getting your way and that you could very well go out and have your parents buy you all the candy you want.  I realize this.  Really.  However, in my day, we worked for our goshdarn candy and you will do the same if I have a thing to say about it.

The fact that your parents paid a hundred bucks that they bled and sweat for a costume you to wear for ten minutes of photos, an hour and a half of hardcore trick or treating and the residual half hour of your parents carrying to the last couple of houses before they finally take you home and toss the costume away in favor of your pajamas.   Listen, it’s not actually about you.  It’s about your parents.  They wish to see you just for one night, physically resemble the little terror that you are in life instead of that cherubic face that plagues them when their favorite shoes end up in the toilet or daddy’s flat screen mysteriously ends up with a controller through it.

But for the rest of you, this holiday is something completely different.  Adolescents and teens, Halloween is a test for your creativity.  Come up with an awesome costume using your wits alone.  Work for your candy.  Earn. Those. Cavities.  Don’t show up to my door like I owe YOU something.  And for pete’s sake, even if you know your costume sucks or you think you’re too old for trick or treating, do what all adults have learned to do: FAKE IT.  Fake the enthusiasm.  Pretend you’re excited to be out.  Do not sigh as though I’m wasting your time or I haven’t given you the specific brand of candy you wanted.  I could have given you rocks.  Instead you got sugar.  Be happy I didn’t feed you to the hell-hound that lives next to my bed.

Next year will be better.  Next year must be better.


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