The Crow Remake. For this, someone will pay.

Nothing is original these days. Most things are referential in some way or another and that’s not always bad. Critics are saying that we’re far less prone to create than to copy and they may be on to something. Retro fashions are back en vogue again with some hipsters looking like they got dressed via a 1962 catalog instead of as a 20 year old in the 21st century. Even music is highly referential with the retro sounding Adele and the late great Amy Winehouse topping the charts. Now, these are (and were) great performers and artists in their own right with incredible voices and writing abilities but making references to ages long gone and using it to create your own sound is one thing. However, blatant reproduction pisses me off. Enter Hollywood.

We all get that films are a huge financial gamble and that commercial films are supposed to make money. Like anyone else, Hollywood big wigs want a sure thing. Come clean though, because honestly who doesn’t? But don’t, for the love of all things holy, sacred and grungy, take a cult classic like “The Crow” and think you can do it better. That film was made at the right time, had the perfect dark and moody feel and one of the most tragic backstories ever. You cannot fabricate that kind of story or replicate the kind of effect it had on an audience not to mention the built in publicity. So exactly what powerful medications do you think execs were on to think that Bradley Cooper, Mark Wahlberg, or Channing Tatum could do a better job in the titular role. No, it’s fine. I’ll wait. What did you come up with? Nothing powerful enough, I take it. Unless someone communed with the ghost of Brandon Lee and he’s given you explicit instructions on how to one up his death before shooting even finished, there’s no fragging way this is going to be a socially acceptable decision. And while we’re on the subject of announced bad remakes, Judge Dredd? Really? I’m not sure even Karl Urban’s handsome face can save that one. And what a face it is…

photo borrowed from Please don’t sue. I beg you.

**Another note, supposedly they’re also remaking “Short Circuit.” Once again, nothing from my childhood is sacred.
***Oh yeah, plus a “Romancing the Stone” remake. Now it’s turned into a game to see who can find the most obscure ’80s and ’90s movies to redo. I love these movies and I wish they wouldn’t ruin them for future generations…and me.


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