Being as how this is my blog and all, I feel there is a matter of contention that I would like to take the opportunity to address without being ridiculed for it. After deciding to cease my dealings with the “creamy crack”, I began to research and stumbled upon no less than two dozen natural hair blogs and websites…to begin with. Many testimonials go back to the beginning to talk about their hair journeys and who influenced them as children. In contemplating this same question, I discovered a wealth of resentment. As an impressionable child, my notions of what hair was capable of were heavily influenced by no less than four lying and deceitful entities. What were these entities you ask? Well let’s troll the list, shall we?

4. Comic book characters (Mainly Storm from X-Men): Not only did the female comic book characters have incredible and gravity defying locks, but so did some of the men! Not fair! So I sit there and try to figure out why my hair won’t flow crazily like Storm’s resulting in my obtaining a long white skirt, securing it to my head and pretending it was hair. Whoopi Goldberg had a t-shirt and I had a skirt. Sad, but incredibly true.

3. Christie Dolls: So remember that black friend that Barbie had? Yeah, that was Christie and in my mother’s vain efforts to feminize me, bought me several Christie dolls. Needless to say, they did not make me more girly. In fact, they only succeeded in making me into even more of a tomboy. Sorry Mom. However, a secondary side effect of these dolls was to confuse me even more about what my hair was supposed to look like. I was a light skinned little girl with thick, tightly coiled hair that, even with the repeated abuse of a hot comb, rebelled into an unruly cloud. My parents said they got me the Christie dolls because she looked the most like me when in fact, she looked the least like me. Light with coiled hair versus brown skinned Amazon with thick straight hair. Yeah sure. We look exactly alike. I mean, of course all Barbie derivatives are gross perversions of human anatomy but the hair??? In hind sight, even Beyonce does have a lace front to compete with the hair of those dolls, Barbie OR Christie! My hair never even remotely resembled that of those dolls on its “best” days. Even after my first relaxer, I went back to the dolls to compare and it wasn’t even close. I swear that doll laughed at me. It’s ok because I stuck one of them in the microwave once. Her hair was never the same again…

2. Beyonce: Fabulous as she may be, she lied. She freaking lied to me. Around 1999/2000ish, I was given my first mainstream CD that was all mine: “The Writing’s on the Wall” and I loved it. Once again, there was a side effect: I wanted to look like Beyonce…and her hair. Even later, throughout the scandal, replacement and reformation of Destiny’s Child, I loved Beyonce…and her hair. When she struck out on her own, I decided that hers was the look I wanted eventually. Then, the bombshell! The hair that I had been privy to was, in fact, hers only in the sense that she’d bought it and had a receipt. So the only way to have her hair is not to pray each night for long hair like I had been doing but to go to a store and buy it??? Beyonce was officially by first lesson in the deception that is fake hair. Don’t get me wrong, I find nothing wrong with braids or a good weave but she should have given a disclaimer that her hair was in fact, not hers. Just a little common courtesy was all I wanted.

And now for the grand finale!!! The biggest impact on my follicle delusions:
#1. Disney Princesses: Yeah, I said it. You may remember the Facebook bumper sticker a while ago that shared the same sentiment. As much as I love Ariel and Aurora, Pocahontas, and especially Jasmine, no human being on earth has hair like they do and no little black girl with curly, coiled hair was ever going to either. At least Snow White kept it reasonable with her little shoulder length helmet that was very 1920s in its styling and Belle had books on her brain instead of vanity. So, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t vetch to the animators about having longer locks. It’s probably why she was my favorite Disney princess too! She did lie about her hair! Those other heifers though? Filthy liars. Once again, parents should give their daughters disclaimers and warn them gently that “I love you baby so I won’t lie to you. Your hair will never look like hers.” I feel it would be much more humane that allowing a child to grow up to believe that she too can have unnaturally red hair like Ariel or the glorious crown of Jasmine’s hair. Don’t get me started on Jasmine though because she just makes me mad. From the hair, to the unnatural curves that she has (that I still want) to the huuuuge eyes, she’s probably the reason why so many people are plastic surgery addicts. Thanks a lot Jas…but I digress.

And there you have it. The childhood conditioning for screwy follicle perception. And the ringleader in all this madness: Walt freakin’ Disney!!!

**Reader beware. For the most part, I’m half serious about my post at most but even humor has some basis in reality.**